I wonder why wanting to better yourself is always the most difficult thing. For some people, it’s the easiest thing in the world, but more often than not, they always give the speech of it being easier as they try, with the first day\month always being the most difficult to chase the dreams for themselves.

Think about it, everyone has some kind of abject narcissism. Guys will either talk about how nice they are compared to others, or most of the time talk in a seemingly endless cycle of fake machismo; how they’d beat up this guy, how he’d, ‘get with her if he tried to’, how he’d beat your ass on FIFA 17. The ladies do it as well; the belief that one sentence on a social dating profile is more than enough to consider them unworthy, the other woman she dislikes is ‘looking hideous’, while her friends nod in tandem with their extroverted support, how she’s slaying her outfit for today and everyone else in comparison today just isn’t cutting it.

We’ve all done at least one of these things, except people be crammed in a line of a VERY LONG SPECTRUM. Please don’t bullshit me that you haven’t done something along these lines. We all have. By spectrum I mean that, some mentioned the above a joke, some mentioned it seriously. Some were more justified to use in the scenario at the time, some not. That kinda shit.

With all that being said, I go back to my first question. Why is it so hard for people to improve themselves? And I mean this on an introspective level. Let’s take a generic example. Someone will always say at some point (if not yourself), that:

“I wish I could have done this” or “I loved this but this and that got in the way and now I’m doing this”

I don’t get it. And I don’t get it either by being one of the many people who are going through this. That sense of aimlessness, even if there is a job involved, even if there is a partner in their life, even if they have their own place and are paying rent. If people are aware of this aimlessness, why the hell can’t they change it? It’s frustrating. It’s most likely a form of depression is involved. I am too, clinically approved *toothy grin*, but it just confuses me how we can state the narcissism based comments from earlier and at times, BELIEVE IT, but when it comes to wanting to chase another language they enjoyed, or increase their health by working out, pr seeing the genuine goodness and the shining influence they bring on other people, it’s impossible?

I looked into a video once, about a lady (forgive me for not referencing, but I’m not that kind of blogger. If I remember, I remember) who stated that the brain will literally try to fuck you up into anything that brings stress. Literally. Anything. She mentioned about wanting to speak in a group meeting as an example, where someone was hesitant about saying something and speaking up, and then the brain would instinctively react and be all, “woaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah nelly, slow down there” and shut you the fuck up. Fight or flight principle if you will.

That only confuses me more though, why would your brain fuck you up? I mean yeah, survival instinct, whatever. But surely the brain would see the overwhelming positives in grafting the body to effectively evolve in body and mind? I suppose why disclipline exists, I guess the universe or God, take your pick, wouldn’t make it that easy on you.

I’m in day 2 of my own discipline phase. I suppose where all these thoughts came about. It’s been pretty good. But this is the thing of where I am directing my confusion at, it’s day 2. I’ve wrote a long ass blog post again as a constant (and I’ve barely paused to think about what to type) stream. I’m wondering why the hell I found it so hard to not do this sooner. And I’m not talking last week. I’m talking 10 years ago. But I also wonder that I’ve been here before and crashed hard before being hit by what I call “The Wave”. Depression based, no further explanation necessary. It’s two incredibly different feelings. And you’d think, from an objective perspective, that on a logical perspective, experiencing both happiness and sadness will make you want to chase happiness more, but yet, a lot of us don’t. We go through the motions of personal borderline cosmic-wide vindication (see previous post if you need a reference…. Nuff said.)

Maybe it’s all part of the test that God has given us. Maybe it’s all chemically induced by the defense systems wired in our being and because of that, on a biological scale, we’re not fully adapted yet. A lot of us are wimps, let’s face it. Most of you will say you’re not, but how many of you have ghosted someone? That’s a form of it, at least to me. Then you got all the phobias, the lack of taking risk on a physical scale (e.g. doing a jump between a smallish gap between two rock pillars). I should reiterate that I don’t speak as someone who’s never been there. I’m speaking as someone who is still there, just, my mindset is better in this moment, and, I’m pretty stoked for that to be honest. I’m under no illusion though, the initial burst is always great, but the most difficult part is always the endurance of repetition of making time for what you enjoy.

Among all that gibberish (it was a continuous stream after all, no pauses and nothing edited. No idea why I say that like it’s cool) I suppose that even though there are probable reasons for the why it’s hard. I could never understand the how. How could the body sabotage itself like that? Take it with almost all animals for instance. No matter what, whether it’s a bad mother-fucker of its species, or the runt of the pack, each and every one of them will try to live, eat, fuck, chill and just generally stay alive in the process. It’s a constant state of chasing what is best for it, they what they want for the most part, and go with it. Circle of life ennit.

You’d think that having a honed mind as a human being would set us all apart from animals on an incredulous level in terms of constantly chasing after the best for what we want. Yet, it’s actually hindered us. We all have dreams and want for the best for ourselves and would take that life with no questions asked if it was possible. But that’s the thing, it is possible (cheesy). I don’t say this as some kind of pep talk, but if you have thought that then it’s basically in conjunction with the brain thing I mentioned before about fucking you up.

Makes this image hella relevant:


I suppose I’m saying that people should chase what they want more. Easier said than done, I’m well aware. But wouldn’t it be awesome to be in the universe where you’re the best version of yourself rather than someone else being that? Like some mellow version of Jet Li’s, ‘The One”. Though, that being said, if I learned martial arts out of nowhere against the ultimate evil version of me (which make me think that I should start killing alternate versions of me a little, and be the bad guy. Can’t lie, I always had a rapport with villains in general for some reason. RIP Scar, they just didn’t understand you.)

You should give it a shot, until your death. If you still hate yourself so bad, then frankly, you should torture yourself chasing your dreams over and over whilst failing a millions times. Then, when you reach your dreams, you just burn it all to the ground, if you really really still loathe yourself to that degree. Much better option than suicide, and way more agonisingly painful than suicide.

Whaddya know, guess it was a reverse pep talk after all.

Fuck it.

Keep chasing the stars folks.





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